Do the 36 Questions Work?
In January, I read an article on the New York Times called To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This about a woman who used an experiment from 1997 on a date. Psychologist Arthur Aron created a series 36 questions designed to create an accelerated sense of connection between people who had just met. After the final question, the partners stare silently into each other's eyes for four minutes, cementing the bond. In a happily-ever-after ending, the woman who wrote the article did find love.
I thought the idea was fascinating and I sent the article to a few friends who are currently online dating and I didn't think about it again until I saw this week's episode of The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon and Penny participate in the experiment, and while they (spoiler alert) don't find romantic love, they do come to a new appreciation and understanding for each other.
I am in a long-term, committed relationship - I'm talking decades here - and while we never officially got married, we are each other’s person. This weekend we cracked open a bottle(s) of wine, put on some background music, and pulled up the questions. The questions are divided into three groups - the first series are fun and not very personal but they soon start digging deep. The whole thing took a couple hours and by the end we both had laughed and teared up, and surprisingly, really learned something about each other. It was the best, most intimate conversation either of us could remember having, probably since the early years of dating. These questions brought out humour and opinions and vulnerability all in one conversation!
With the questions complete, we were now at the four-minute-staring-contest portion of the evening. We set a timer, pressed play and that's when it happened.
Remember earlier I mentioned we had put on some music? It was satellite television, so we had no control over what came on. Literally the second I pressed 'go' on the timer, now staring deeply into each other's eyes, the strains of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On filled the room. We tried not to laugh - totally lost it - regained it and lost it again. I told him I would have made room for him on that floating wood panel because we all know there was enough room to save Jack.
We were doing a crap job of being silent but we did keep the eye contact. Except when I took this pic:
Then it all just became less funny as we continued to look at each other. I’m not sure what changed, but it was suddenly so affecting, so overwhelming. I teared up and then the tears spilled over. I wasn't crying in the sense of sobbing but I couldn't stop them from falling. He was emotional, too (in a more manly way;)
It was all pretty cool.
So my review...I've got to say it works and I think it would work, to varying degrees, with most people. I would even go as far as to say it could be dangerous for people who have just met. I imagine it would feel like fast forwarding from the first date to somewhere between the six month and ten year anniversary without all the good, and bad, stuff inbetween.
Hmmm...it’s all a bit weird.